Walking Tamil Nadu

I walked across Tamil Nadu. 500 miles (800 kms) from Kanyakumari to Tirupati in 39 days around the month of January in 2023. I routed my walk through villages as much as possible, interacted with as many people as possible, ate at basic eateries and tea stalls and slept in basic lodges, wedding halls, verandahs of houses, temples etc. I did this walk with the intention of experiencing rural Tamil Nadu.. its people and culture. 

This write-up is a collection of some of my observations and thoughts from my experience. Please note that these are based on my limited experience along my walking route at the mentioned time of the year and will (of course) not reflect Tamil Nadu as a whole.

Rice Rice Rice

About 90% of the fields I walked by were paddy fields. They require a lot of water, and there is no scarcity of that. The rivers (Thamirabarani, Vaigai, Kaveri, Thenpennai, Palar) are all fairly full and the water table is high. The pumps are in full swing and the paddy is happy. Other major crops: Peanuts, Urad Dal, Sugarcane, and Mangoes (AP).

Idly and Poori is Breakfast and Parotta is Dinner

Surprised Dosa didn’t make it here? Me too. Though widely available, Dosa isn’t as common (commercially) as Idly, Poori, and Parotta. Also, meat (non-vegetarian food minus beef and pork) is everywhere. It is more a norm than exception.

Tea and Alcohol

Tea (Chai) is the go-to ‘break’ and social drink. And despite the strong social stigma, alcohol is always in the air.

Professions/Industries

Agriculture, Construction, Food-based cottage industries, Small business, Military, and Skilled Labor.

Faith and Structure Talk

Next to livelihood (work and education) and socializing/hanging out behaviors, faith-related behaviors are most common. Gods are deeply ingrained in people’s psyche. “Everything happens for a reason”, “Maybe it is destined to happen this way” kind of structure talk is rampant. Rampant to an extent it becomes predictable.

YouTube

Nothing in the media world would come even remotely close to YouTube as an information consumption medium. Every content of culture is somehow YouTube related.

Integrity (Nermai)

Righteousness, along with friendliness and hospitality can be expected almost across the board. And if there is a perceived slip (falling of those values from expected levels), a simple pointing out (not that I had to do it) would immediately set things straight. For example, even softly questioning someone’s integrity (“Is that fair?”) will make them act immediately to uphold it.

On Tip Refusal

Tip refusal is very common. And it comes more from an integrity standpoint (it is not fair to take more money) than from a social status standpoint (by accepting a tip I acknowledge being of a lower social rank).

Attitude

I didn’t have any bad experience with people interactions. There is no dearth of friendliness and welcoming attitudes in people. So, it is all wonderlands after getting past the first few minutes of mild ‘unknown outsider’ apprehensiveness. And without a doubt, my fluent Tamil that fit right in made up for my attire and appearance that didn’t. Holding a half-American identity myself, I did experience something like imposter syndrome at times after getting accepted as one among the locals, yet seeing them with my western/anthropological eyes.

The Chola-Pandiya Divide

The cultural difference between south and north Tamil Nadu is clear as a bell. And I don’t mean slang or food. I am talking values and identity. Simply put, north Tamil Nadu (north of Kaveri) has a problem with their prevailing rural identity. People see their rural identity as lesser-than or an undesirable temporary means to getting somewhere (better wealth/status). While in the south, it’s a whole different story. There is acceptance, contentment, and above all, sheer pride in the rural identity. Tractors are decked up.. boasting colorful ribbons.. blasting folk music in their outward-pointing speakers. English words are surprisingly rare in the colloquial language. Kabaddi and Jallikattu are very real cultural phenomena and solid content of social chatter. The cultural grip of the western and urban world is not as tight on the south as it is on the north.

Fauna

Domestic - Cows, Goats, Chicken, and Ducks are all ingrained members of the population.

Street Dogs (semi-domestic) - Scary and scared.. yet, they are not ‘out to get you’. They are territorial, protective, and presume you are a threat till convinced otherwise. Tip for dealing with barking dogs: Stop. Don’t run. Turn toward them, make eye contact, and slowly back away. Talking to them in a calm tone (like a local would) helps appease them as well.

Mosquitoes are everywhere. Most active right after sunset and kind of active through the night. Daily application of repellent cream before sunset helps a lot.

Peacocks and Monkeys are almost everywhere. Peacocks are most common in the Kaveri delta area and Monkeys in Tiruvannamalai.

Saw a lot of dead snakes on the roads and one live snake (super long cobra) at a distance. Surprisingly fewer snake sightings for the amount of bushy terrain exposure I had.

Andhra Pradesh (AP)

Last 80kms of my walk was in the state of Andhra Pradesh and there is a huge difference between the states, not in terms of people and attitudes, but in the density of population. The density I felt from Ponnai to Chandragiri was less than 1% of what it was like in even remote parts of Tamil Nadu. This was the only stretch I carried food with me (1 tea stall/eatery in 30kms). Agriculture here is mostly mangoes and some sugarcane.

The Weather Factor

Timing my walk around January to place it after the rainy season and before the sunny/dry season worked out perfect. I had only couple hours of light drizzles and 2-3 days of bothering sun/heat. All other days were perfect with cool breezes and overcast skies. Also, I did most of my walking in the mornings (5am to 11am) to stay off the sun. Can’t escape the tropical/coastal humidity and resulting sweating though. The day can’t feel done without a shower.

3 Sections of the Walk I Enjoyed The Most

Marayur to Manamadurai - Paddy Fields

Ayyampettai to Anaikarai - Riverside/Beaches

Chavatagunta to Chandragiri - Hillstationlike

Google Maps

Walking directions were 99% spot on.. showing the shortest routing even through basic trails and narrow alleyways in remote villages. Was helpful in connecting with the locals as well. Since giving directional pointers for your upcoming walking path, is the most sought connecting ritual of the locals, you can make a great impression by knowing shorter routes which are usually their best-kept secrets. BTW though everyone has mobile phones, they don’t quite use them for directions in rural areas where people ‘know’ their routes. 

Mobile Connectivity

Got an Airtel SIM card and it worked perfectly. I’d say I had coverage 100% of the time, even in the remotest areas.

Wind Power

As the locals dearly call them, ‘Kaathadi’s (fan) aka Wind Turbines are everywhere in the south. And given the constant flow of wind throughout the south, it’s not a surprise the wind power industry capitalizes on it. Even though they stand out in the landscape, altering the skyline, for some reason, they don’t feel intrusive (like cellphone towers). There is something quiet and calming about them. Trivia: Tamil Nadu has the most wind turbines and produces the most wind power of all states in India.

No Airplanes

The first airplane I saw in the skies during my whole walk was at the very end (after reaching Tirupati).

(not so pet) Peeves

Public restrooms are well, nonexistent. Basic sanitation even for locals in truly rural areas is mostly nonexistent. And despite what the politicians claim, open defecation not just in rural but also in semi-urban areas is super common.

Seeing garbage (esp plastic bottles) carelessly tossed and systematically discarded out in the open was saddening.

Being greeted and sent off by garbage and poop in the outer perimeters of the villages was let’s say, not flattering. Given the sheer number of villages I walked through, seeing the same pattern over and over again was truly heartbreaking.

Government Freebies

There is a lot people get for free from the government.. healthcare, education, transportation (buses are free for women), groceries etc. The 100-day rural employment project is also mostly seen as a freebie.

People with Disabilities

Though it was fairly common to see people with speaking/mental disabilities blended and accepted in the social fabric, it was almost impossible to see people with physical disabilities blended the same way.

Personal - Physical

I started out with 15-20 kms per day and saw the calves and thighs beef up in the first week (this is my first long-distance walk ever btw). So, stronger leg muscles helped with keeping the knee cap in place. Moving past my main worry of getting runners knee/patellofemoral syndrome was a godsend. For the first time in a long time, my physical limiting factor was no longer mechanical. It felt so good to slow down because of exhaustion and not for protecting the knees.

Interestingly, I got Shin Splint pain in my left leg after 600kms. It got to a point where the pain due to the stiffness was so bad that I couldn’t even move. Luckily, it was nothing serious (consulted a doctor and marathon friends) massaging and resting for a couple days before resuming helped.

Personal - Routine

Body loves routine. When set with one, it doesn’t mind repeating whatever it is without complaining. ‘Limit pushing’ becomes much easier when done along with the routine. I was able to push to a max of 45 kms (28 miles) in 12 hours and since it was all within an already established routine, nothing felt out of normal.

Personal - Psychological

In spite of the high uncertainty, I was constantly in a good (up) mood throughout. No ‘wtf’ moments, no angry or ‘why the hell did I sign up for this’ thoughts. Did not hit any lows (not even one) in the 39 days. I surprised a lot of people and myself with my curious and happy mood throughout.

Now that I am done, what next?

Somebody asked me this after I was done and I just blurted out whatever came to my mind at that moment as an answer and liked it so much. So, here it is: Try to be that person who I was with others all along my walk (fully present and having no preconceived notions while interacting) with everyone I meet going forward.

Takeaway

Every moment is new and pure. It is our responsibility not to poison it with our desires and accumulated garbage.

<<>>

Media Features

Also, I got featured in a Tamil YouTube channel - Mr Ji Talks (the dudes saw me on the road, got curious, enquired, and decided to feature me), and a Tamil weekly magazine with global reach - Kungumam (a friend notified them through a letter and they called me to interview). Checkout the links below:

1. YouTube Channel Feature https://youtu.be/VLczI0utkDk
2. Tamil Magazine Feature (PDF Link) https://tinyurl.com/ytmbzf92
3. Tamil Magazine Feature (Website Link) https://tinyurl.com/2p864bpb

High Places

what is it about those high places
i wonder
that make them so fascinating
among other things

those hills, mountains, and peaks
the podiums, pedestals, and thrones

what is it in them
that turn us into moths
irresistibly drawn
to that alluring bright light

perhaps it is that
they make us look up
from our mundane little things

perhaps it is that
they bring heaven to earth
and gods to man

or perhaps it is that
they question the horizons

The Smile Project

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ~ Neale Donald Walsch 

"You know what you should get?.. Sneakers!.. Something like running shoes. Those would be perfect for you." I said.

That probably was one of the worst pick-up lines.. but it did the trick. I mean, I didn't get a date.. but I got a smile. One of those deeper, more genuine ones. She smiled and then said, "I know. I always wanted to get sports shoes." And I felt that smile in me. It felt like the only reason for me to exist.

I am a 35-year-old Indian guy living in California, happily married to a beautiful wife, and a two-year-old son. I am on a 4000-mile road trip across Mexico which I am doing alone and I feel this smile in a bar in La Paz, Mexico.  It belongs to a 24-year-old gorgeous Mexican girl who happened to be the bartender. Probably the most attractive girl I have ever seen in person. I have almost a week left in my trip and this smile makes me decide what I would do for the rest of it.  Which is feel as many more of those smiles as possible.

Is she single? Why would she be interested in me? Am I looking for sex? I'm married.. what the hell am I doing? Is this a case of mid-life crisis? If she is single, do I lie to her that I'm single as well? A lot of thoughts zip through my head but nothing of those seemed to matter. All I knew was one thing and one thing only.. that her smile made me feel alive and I had decided to live. In full throttle. I didn't have time to waste on my thoughts. I wanted more of those smiles and I got to work.

This write-up is about the extraordinary ride this 'Smile Project' of mine took me on. A ride of passion, inquiry, fear, freedom, and most importantly.. self-discovery.

Act 1 - Not Good Enough

Realizing that my trip just took a big change of course, I get up from my seat at the bar, relax my back and start moving around making myself feel at home. I open conversations with the owner, the waiters, the DJ, and the chef. And within an hour I am standing outside in the sidewalk seating area with the team, 'marketing' the specials to passers-by.  It was interesting coming into a new city only a few hours back and now feeling like working for a local bar.. trying to make eye contact with the tourists who were shying away trying to stay safe.

I learn that they close at 2AM and ask her if she wanted to hang out after that. She refuses. I get back to work. I continue to talk to the team and the customers.. making friends. It was fairly easy, whatever I was talking to anybody could be classified into either of these two things: 1. You are amazing and 2. Why don't you try doing 'this'?  Where the 'this' would be a well-thought-out suggestion which that person would agree is great.. just like the 'sneaker' suggestion. At the end of the day, I managed a total of 3 to 4 not-so-deep smiles. I certainly got her attention but it was not good enough.

The Date

I'm back at the bar the next day and get those curious looks from everyone. And today I shall get deeper.

     "So, why did you drive here from that far by yourself?"

          "To meet you. I know you are thinking I'm kidding but I really mean it."

     "I think you mean it. We are all here for a reason."

          "Yeah. We just have to find out what that reason is."

     "It's funny you say that. I'm supposed to say that."

Assuming that made the 'connection', I ask her again if she wanted to hang out after she got off that night. She refuses again. But gets back telling she could meet during the day the following day. We fix up a lunch meeting and agree to meet in front of the bar at 2PM.

It is 2:03. I am sitting there starting to feel like an idiot. She jumps in front of me apologizing for the 3-minute delay. She had just gotten out taking a dip in the beach across the street and is in her bathing suit. I try hard stopping myself from checking her out.. Is she trying to seduce me? She says she needs a few minutes to change and walks into the bar.. Does she live there? The chef walks into the bar behind her and waves at me.. Is he her boyfriend? I try to ignore my thoughts and focus on the goal. She had to be back at work at four so I had two hours. I think about things I would talk to her. She comes back sooner than I thought and we walk to a restaurant close by to have lunch.

It was like talking to myself, a much younger myself. And yes, I had never felt that before. Maybe because I never really listened while talking with younger people (since I am always sure I know more than them). She sure was trying to see through me and figure out what my intentions were, but she was opening up as well. She talks about her background, how she ended up in La Paz, that this is her first job at the bar, her dreams of owning a bar herself, her challenges etc. I give a quick speech about myself and my boring little life working as an IT professional in the US and maybe since she started with a "Please don't lie to me coz I would believe everything you say.", there were no lies from my side. She was surprised that I was married and appreciated me being honest about it. I show her my favorite photo of my wife and son and she was so drawn into it that she was holding on to it for quite a while.

We talk about her favorite book, Tortuga (Turtle) which is about how we all have a shell over us that we long to be free of and how aptly it signifies her personality. I also learn that she is single and that she earned her degree in Psychology from schooling in Los Angeles (hence the fluent English). We talk about the male psyche and how it relates to women, I throw out few of my favorite concepts on that and she goes, "Wow, finally I get to talk to someone". One of the best two hours of my life.

We walk back to the bar talking about when to meet again and agree to do something together the next day, her day off.

First Night

I had a lot to process from the little meet-up. In short, what I saw was there were treasures of smiles hidden beneath her shell and the shell was pretty hard to break. To me, she personified the Baja landscape - cool and clear blue seas right next to the hot and arid deserts. I also saw that she liked me for some reason and that nailed the coffin for me. It is a great feeling to get crazy about someone and greater feeling to see it reciprocated.  If there was something in me that was not aligned towards her already, at this point it was. I became a robot created solely for the purpose of making her smile and I couldn't wait to get back to work, breaking that shell.

I go back to the bar and tell her that it is great that we decided to hang out the next day but since I wanted to maximize my time with her, I would like for her to come hang out with me after work that night. She agrees immediately and I am dumbstruck. I go back to pick her up at 2AM and we get a lot of suspicious looks from the team, which closes with a "Take good care of her.. or I'll kill you".

Talking about getting killed, it is not exactly a good feeling to be walking through a deserted city street in Mexico at 2AM. Both of us are equally scared as we walk to my hotel room. 

     "Do you have pepper spray?" I ask.

     "I have a knife." She says.

I show her my pepper spray, she smiles and talks about why knife is a better option. We get into the room and as soon as I close the door, there dawns an air of himalayan discomfort. From being scared of getting robbed on the street, now we are scared of each other. I could be a rapist killer and she could be a con artist waiting to rob me after I go to sleep. And above all, we had to clear off the main question: 'What the hell are we doing here?'. She puts her bag on the floor and sits very consciously on the bed. I move my things away from her area, take my seat on the other bed safely away from her's and I start talking. I tell her in a clear and stern tone that I'm not looking for sex. And that my goal is to make her smile as much as I could until I leave and that is pretty much my agenda for the rest of my trip.

     "And why are you doing this?" She asks.

     "It makes me feel alive." I say.

And I tell her to feel at home and do whatever she would normally do at home. That is when she asks me this question which continues to haunt me even now.

     "So, you want to know what I am looking for?"

That I should say did a lot of things to me. On a very basic level, it made me realize that the universe doesn't revolve around me - a realization we all could use once in a while. I parrot her question back to her..

     "So, what are you looking for?"

     "I am tired of being around people that do nothing but try to get into my pants. I see I connect a lot with you and I feel happy when we talk. I want more of that. Haven't felt it in a long while now."

I didn't know if I had intentions of getting into her pants. Maybe I did. But now I didn't. In a moment she transformed from a hot chick to a human being. And I felt that change in me. I have read a lot about sexual objectification and was sure it was impossible for me to be free of it but it was so ridiculously easy. All it took was for her to ask.

Was my transformation for real, I was not sure. But that exchange certainly eased up the air quite a bit. She gets up to go get a shower and I meddle with my phone to play some music, trying to ease it even more. She comes back, tucks herself in, I switch off the lights and ask her how she is doing..   

     "A little scared" She says, "You could still be a serial killer..."

I talk to her about the power of letting it go - my first night in Mexico a few days back where I was camping on the beach.. shit scared of getting robbed, yet captivated by the stars lying down on the beach looking at the night sky. I tell her how hard it was for me to let it go to fall asleep on the beach, how I mustered my courage to do it, and how it was worth every bit.  I hear her breathe heavy and we sleep.

Holiday

We wake up the next morning with buckets of trust lying all around the room and since it was her day off, we had the whole day to capitalize all of that. The plan was to go to Todos Santos, a town nearby known for its turtle breeding grounds and we had to make a stop at her house before we left.

It was a cute little outhouse she was renting, placed behind a bigger house where the landlord stayed. It had two rooms, one of which was pretty much empty. I ask her if I could stay there till I left La Paz, she agrees with a quick "mi casa es su casa" and I promptly close it with a symbolic adding her spare key to my car keys bunch - a considerable landmark for my smile project.

She goes to notify the landlord that I will be living there for a few days and that gave me some time to pry around. Her house, especially her kitchen and bedroom told a lot about her life. It looked like a bachelor guy's house. Reminded me of my days living by myself right after I got my first job. She had her whole life in front of her and at the end was her dream of owning a bar, something I have always dreamt of doing after my retirement. It felt like she was living my dream while I got side-tracked and got caught in the rat race. I so wanted to start over. I so wanted her life.

I see her diary on the table and pounce on it immediately. I flip through the pages read some deep reflections of her's and realize that it probably is the key document that could make my smile project succeed with flying colors.

     "Anything interesting in it?" She asks, walking in.

     "Nope, you are a very boring person" I say.  And she smiles.

We set out on our drive and I held on to the diary. Just had to keep it with me so I could read as much when I found time. It was a fairly long drive and on our way, I tell her that I felt jealous of her life.

     "Interesting!" She says, "I have never known anybody that felt jealous of me. But wait, are you kidding me?" She continues, "I would totally trade my life for yours. Look at you, you have an awesome family, stable job.. you could do anything.. travel to anywhere in the world. You have everything."

I was stumped because it was actually true. I really had nothing to complain about my life. Yet, I felt she had it better.

    "You are right" I said, "I have everything. But before I leave from here, I will do my best to make you realize, you are luckier than me."

    "You take me up as a project, you are in for a surprise." She said. I still didn't get what she meant by that.

We were cruising through the Baja desert listening to music and her diary was lying in the back seat of the car. I was itching to get to it. I ask her if she wanted to drive and her face lit up like a bulb as she agreed. I pull over by the side of the highway and we switch seats. Talking about trading our lives, my car was just a small part of my life I could trade with her and in return, her diary was good enough for me. My plan of course was to read it while she drove but when we started, something else happened.

In me, I felt the joy she experienced as soon as she started driving. As she picked up speed on the highway, she started smiling uncontrollably.

     "It's been years since I got to drive a car." She says smiling.

I put the diary back and changed my sitting position turning towards her so I could keep watching her smile. She couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't stop smiling. And I was amazed that my car, just by being itself, had so much happiness to offer. It was something lot more than living.

That smilefest clearly set the stage for the rest of the day. We did everything from stopping in the middle of the desert, running into it as if chased by mad dogs, to lying down on the beach in silence for a long while. It was a great day for her, I could tell as I was pretty much being her.. closely feeling whatever she was feeling, every minute throughout the day.  Her shell was gone.. for one whole day.

Living Together!

The next four days were like being on an extremely successful fishing trip getting a great catch every time I casted my line. I was fishing for her smiles and the bait (mainly little surprises) came in different forms.. a hosepipe, a doormat, an organized fridge, photography tips, mangoes, sarcasm etc.

Having things like doormat, hosepipe, and pasta sauce in my list of things to buy (when she was out working) was an amazing way to experience the local culture and language. My charades skills were put to serious tests when I had to figure out that I had to go to a 'Ferreteria' to get a 'Manguera'. But at other times when we were out together, it was great to have a first line of Spanish defence right in front of me.

Also spending every evening at the same bar was a great way to mix with the locals. I got to meet people from the whole spectrum of social class.. everyone from a drug dealer that was pissed with me that I won't buy any drugs from him to a school teacher whose primary concern was about how the Mexican culture glorifies motherhood thus driving young girls to get interested mainly in becoming mothers. Also, I got to exercise (at least pretentiously) my longtime dream of owning a bar by interacting with the team on a much closer level and getting quite a few behind-the-scenes peeks at its workings. And of course, on top of all that, the bartender having a personal watch on if I had what I needed to eat and drink was a blessing. It was a perfect week.

I think my smile project was a clear success and the major winners in it were hidden in giving her insights that put the things and the people around her in clearer perspective for her so she saw them as elements of nature with little or no personal significance to her. And given the phase of her life, she wanted those insights more than anything else and some assurance that she was going in the right direction towards her dream. I was able to do a good job at giving her that as I was so sure that she had it all perfect.

The Goodbye Note

Yes, things had to end. I had to start my (three-day) drive back home to be there in time to pick up my wife and son from the airport. They were coming back from their vacation after meeting family in the east coast. I tried to make it as easy as possible. The plan was for me to be ready with everything before she woke up and leave right after she was up. I cleared up my room, loaded the car, left a note in the middle of the empty room with her spare keys on top of it, closed the room, got myself a beer, and sat in the front porch waiting for her to wake up.

She got up, stepped out to say she will take a few minutes to brush, and went back in. Since there was only one chair, I moved to the floor, sat down leaning back against the wall, and when I took my next sip, a bird's nest on a tree caught my eye. I started watching the bird, busy doing its morning chores.

     "I knew you would do that." She said while coming out, pointing to me making the chair available for her.

She moves the chair away and sits next to me leaning against the wall. I show her the bird's nest and we watch it in silence for a while. Then I say that I left a note in the room and it had whatever I had to say to her, I wish her all the best with her life, shake her hands and start walking to the car. I get into the car and start driving. She doesn't say a word.

And this is what I wrote in the note: "Thank you for going with your gut and deciding to hang out with me."

I was crying almost the whole of that day till I reached Mulege (my first stop for the night on my way back). I tried a couple of times to find out why exactly I cried so much, I gave up both times. It was just too complicated to think about. I don't think I would try that again.

The next day was probably the best day of my whole trip. A grin got stuck to my face as and when I was waking up and it stayed there pretty much all day long. I was planning to drive 300 miles that day but ended up driving 800 since I was not feeling any fatigue. I drove all the way from Mulege to LA to a friend's place where I stayed for the night. No backache, no fatigue, no tired eyes nada.. it was like I flew back.

In Summary

Well, everything was just too fast and too intense to make any sense out of.. and I really had to come up with a summary for it all so I could move on. But there were so many different aspects to it, each of which could have a summary of its own. I just wanted one. It was hard but somehow, I got to it finally. Goes something like this: When you feel something.. act on it.

the day i flew..

it's the time of the dinosaurs

i'm a feathery little lizard

and we haven't yet figured..

that we could fly if we tried

i jump up above

catch that moth

land on my feet

and i run

right behind me

is a raptor closing in

as hungry as me

and almost as fast

those jaws i know..

are not after my moth

they're after me

and i run

things zip past

at warp speed

leaves..

twigs..

dust and dirt

but everything to me is all real slow

and quiet like hell

all i feel is just the two things

the moth between my teeth

and the ground beneath my feet

and i run

and that time is when..
he tells me to flap

to flap my hands and thrust them down

and that if i did..

i would fly.. now

and i run

it's you

it's you

it's all for you..

everything i do is all for you

he says to me and shows me the sky

i look up above..

flap.. he says.. and that shall be yours

flap your hands and thrust them down

trust in me

and you shall fly.. now

and still.. i run

i run for a few million years
i morph into an ape
through various other things
like shrews and wolves
running all along

and today is the day
i finally get to fly

i'm in a boeing 777
waiting on the runway
looking through the window
and looking back at me
from the ground below..

a bunch of my sparrow cousins

Are you Stressed?

- lot more things are going on in your body

Fighting the enemy or fleeing the scene certainly were of big-time help to us a couple million years ago. But saber tooth tigers are not our threats anymore. Hitting our kids or hiding from our bosses aren't the smartest ways to deal with our stress at home and at work; but isn't that exactly what our bodies tell us to do when we get stressed?

What happens to us when we get stressed? What about when we are chronically stressed? Isn't whatever that happens supposed to be part of Nature, and thus harmless? Or could it be harmful? Can we do something about it? This write-up is about trying to answer these questions.

I have always been interested in the dynamics of Fear and how it works on us, but when I bumped into this book 'Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers' by Robert Sapolsky, I was more than just intrigued. The core of Sapolsky's work and this book lies in exploring the ill effects of stress and how we are not 'designed' for prolonged exposure to stress. This write-up is my trial to condense that book (however impossible) into a blog-post sized version.

The Human Stress Response - Is it one of God's flaws?
Though stress is one of the major killers of humans today, it is not really a bad thing to have and it is definitely not something we have in us for no reason. But the problem lies in how it works. In short, we can even say that our body physiology is kind of dumb when it comes to handling a stressful situation. For example, think about the moment when you just realized that you forgot to file your taxes and the deadline is today. To our bodies, this situation is not very different from standing right in front of a saber tooth tiger that is ready to pounce on us. It is true that saber tooth tigers are extinct, long gone and the wild animals that are left are hardly direct threats to us anymore. But our bodies did not have enough time to 'update' the way they respond to our stressful situations. In other words, our bodies don't understand that unfiled taxes is not really a possibility for immediate death and what they do is react with the same stress response.

So what is this Stress Response?
What exactly do our bodies do when we realize that the tax-filing deadline is today? Well, a lot of things. Mainly everything that is required to handle the saber tooth situation. Let us try listing some of them out:

• Increase Heart Rate - One of the main goals is to deliver glucose and oxygen to the muscles that will run or fight. And blood is the key medium to do the delivery. So speeding up it's flow becomes a priority.
• Increase Breathing Rate - More than normal oxygen is needed for the upcoming physical activity so more than normal breathing is needed.
• Stop Kidney Function - Blood needs to be dilute to flow faster to the fight/flight muscles. We can't afford kidneys extracting water from it.
• Urinate - Kidneys are unidirectional dialysis membranes so the body cannot get the water that is already extracted back into the bloodstream so a kidney that is full is just dead weight that would make sprinting difficult. So that's where 'wetting our pants' when scared comes from.
• Expand blood vessels in key muscles (legs and arms) - More glucose needs more blood.
• Contract blood vessels in palms and feet - There is a higher possibility of getting hurt in our digits and thus losing blood in these areas; so can't afford to keep a lot of blood here. Remember your palms and feet getting cold while entering the examination hall?
• Secrete Pain Killers - In case we get hurt, we can't afford the pain disturbing our running or fighting.
• Retrieve Stored Energy - If there is something that is needed the most, it is glucose, but there is no time for the usual route (eating digesting etc.). So the solution is liquefying our assets, breaking the piggy bank, using up the fat cells and getting more glucose right now.
• Stop Storing Energy - If the pancreas keeps secreting insulin to store away the available glucose, its not really a good thing. So stop the pancreas and stop the insulin flow.
• Stop Digestion - Digestion takes blood (blood vessels expand in the intestine area to load up the nutrients in it) but there is now a more important use for blood (arms and legs).
• Stop Hunger - Apparently not becoming someone's lunch is more important than having dinner.
• Stop Reproductive Functions (Female) - Irregular cycles during stressful times? It is just your body optimizing on energy usage. Ovulation takes energy but you need it for your muscles now.
• Stop Reproductive Functions (Male) - Wondered how performance anxiety worked? this is how: Dude gets tensed doubting if he would be able to perform, body reacts with stress response and does everything in this list including stopping blood flow to his thing and there goes his erection. And also on a macro level, body stops sperm production. Live first reproduce later.
• Stop Immune System Functions - Obviously, a little bacteria in the blood stream is a smaller threat than the saber tooth tiger. So do you know people that catch the cold more often than others? Are they usually more stressed than others?
• Diarrhea - Dead weight alert in the bowel and large intestine. Get it out, Run, Live to eat later.

and the list goes on..

Remember we started this list on a note that we can call our bodies kind of dumb when it comes to responding to stress? That is because, irrespective of the stressor, our stress response is the same (which is basically everything that is listed above). It doesn't matter if we are injured, starving, too hot, too cold, physically stressed, psychologically stressed or experiencing any form of fear; our bodies promptly respond with everything in the list above. It is more like emergency response dispatch sending the cops, a fire truck and an ambulance no matter what the 911 call is about - the 'just in case' strategy. It sure seems dumb but not when we let it work how it is supposed to work.

There are two assumptions our bodies make while responding to stressful situations. It is important for us to get aware of these:
Assumption1: Stressful situations happen only once in a blue moon.
Assumption2: The effects created by these responses will be 'resolved' by us by following it up with some kind of vigorous physical activity like fighting or fleeing.

In other words, sitting on the couch every evening and worrying about that unfiled taxes is not really a smart thing to do.

So.. What Now?
Our bodies cannot take us getting stressed everyday (especially if we don't exercise enough). The list of responses above have direct effects that affect our bodies in the long run. These vary from heart-attacks to ulcers to diabetes - a wide range of dysfunctions or ailments that can be attributed to prolonged exposures to each of those responses listed above. More here.

And.. What can we do about it?
Well, we are surrounded by a lot of relaxation techniques.. maybe we could start practicing them. Here are some :)

Let it go...

- My dialogues with Death.

The time is 7:30 PM and I am starting to feel the fear.  It feels like something is pulling my stomach down towards the floor.  I am sure it is fear and not the fish I had for lunch but I'm not quite sure what exactly is that I am scared of.  I take a minute, a deep breath and force myself to reflect on the situation and then I see it clear as a bell.  What I am experiencing is the fear of death.  Yes, I am terrified like never before in my life and the terror is about dying.  And my death is going to happen in the next 30 minutes, at 8:00 PM.

That was me a few days ago sitting inside a hut in a deep Amazonian jungle on the Peruvian side of the upper Amazon. The hut, more like a jungle cabin was part of a center for alternative medicine and healing which is a 2-hour boat ride from the town of Iquitos in Peru.  Located well deep inside the jungle, the place was as primitive as it could get.   If I drew a line from there back to my house, I could mark places at different points where I had to leave my familiarities behind.. familiarities like people, language, phone, internet etc. all the way to electricity.  The center's main line of work is offering Ayahuasca ceremonies to their clients, mostly westerners from all over the world.  I was waiting in my hut for Walter (one of the workers at the center) to come and escort me to do my last Ayahuasca ceremony at the center.  Ayahuasca is a foul tasting psychedelic brew made from two plants (Ayahuasca & Chacruna) and is revered by the 'Shamanic Healing' community as the mother of all medicines.   It is believed to heal on various levels (physical, mental, spiritual etc.).  What attracted me to Ayahuasca was my reading about experiences of many people about coming face to face with their egos and fears upon drinking the brew.  I saw 'ego' and promptly signed up.   I had an idea about how sneaky the ego is and had always been interested in knowing more on how it worked, so I had to checkout first-hand to see what Ayahuasca really was and what it had in store for me.   After spending 10 days doing 5 uneventful ceremonies at a center on a weaker brew, I almost lost hope that Ayahuasca would work for me.  But then I decided to try my luck with a different center and it worked.  I had two eventful ceremonies and one terrifying one at this center (Refugio Altiplano) and those three ceremonies had me convinced that there sure was something big waiting for me on my fourth and final ceremony.

I had no clue of what was going to happen in that last ceremony of mine because all three ceremonies before were very different from each other.  The first two were easy glides with varying levels of enhanced introspective activity in a trance-like state and were both pleasant experiences.  But now I was terrified because of what happened in the third ceremony.  What I experienced in the third ceremony was sheer terror.  I felt the fear and helplessness that would happen during the few moments before death.  It is difficult to explain the feeling because it was not happening on the physical level like intense pain or inability to breathe or something like that.  Everything was happening on the mental level.  It was that fear of death along with the voracious urge to get out of it and the strong desire for all that suffering to end immediately.  And there was no room for reasoning that, what I was experiencing was temporary and that I would be back to normal the next morning and all that experience would be nothing but a story for me to share with others.  There was absolutely no room for logical thoughts like that.  At that time, analogically speaking, I was just a worm on a hot frying pan with the burner on increasing heat.   And that was all that was happening; no past or no future attached to that experience.  There was no salvation in sight or even a clue for how I could get salvation and I had to ride out the whole session, experiencing the torture for a grueling 5 hours, inching and crawling through it minute by minute.

When the ceremony ended at 12AM, everybody started leaving to their cabins but I was physically unable to move.  At 1AM it was just me and Walter that were left.  And Walter stayed back just for me, to make sure I get to my cabin eventually.  I was at the worst of my physical and mental states (almost no motor abilities and scared to death).  I was longing for any form of support and had Walter sit right next to me and put his hand on my lap.  Also I was feeling bad to be holding him up so late at night.  So I forced myself into having a conversation with him in whatever broken Spanish I could speak.  Asked him how old he was, how long he had been working there at the center and then about his family and kids.  I show him a picture of my 8-month-old son and my wife.   I burst into tears when I said "mi hijo" (my son).  It was the first time in almost 20 days of being away from family, I was feeling the impact of it.  In the case of my son, it was not a feeling of missing him or wanting to see him immediately but what happened was I clearly saw the bond that connected me to him and it was unquestionably real.  And with my wife, I felt immense gratitude for the enormous patience she has always been showing towards me and felt guilty that I had never realized it before in so many years of our being together.  I was crying and couldn't stop it for like almost an hour, and Walter continued to sit there trying to comfort me.  Then with great difficultly and multiple stops on the way, I made the walk back to my cabin and to my bed.  It was just a short trail through the jungle but it felt like miles and miles of crossing the whole Amazon itself.  I got a glimpse of how helpless I would be when I am old, sick, and closer to death.  The next morning, I woke up a very happy person.   I was basically celebrating the fact that I didn't die and was very much alive.  And I wrote down all that I experienced the previous night in my notepad just like I did for all days before that.

That was my third ceremony and now, there I was waiting for the next one with the anxiety in my stomach bubbling up to uncontrollable levels.  Though it will be my last ceremony, I knew there was a good possibility that I could go through that same terror and torture all over again and I also knew that if that happens, I have no way of escaping it.  Sitting on the chair didn't help, neither did lying down on the bed, and I ended up walking in circles inside the cabin attempting to calm myself.  And I was looking once every minute to see if I could spot Walter's flash light in the direction of the trail; he came at 7:45 PM.  I locked the door and followed him to the Maloca (the bigger hut in which the ceremonies are conducted).  The walk was exactly like walking my last mile to get my execution sentence served.  And symbolically enough, Walter was carrying a big rifle in his shoulder (the security role was one of the many roles he did at the center).

The ceremony started at 8PM and the initial rituals were performed.  These initial rituals usually take from 8PM to 8:30PM where the evil spirits are blown away from everything and everybody, the bottle of Ayahuasca is blessed, poured in a small wooden cup and given to everybody one by one, the candle is put off (yes, everything is done in complete darkness) and then the songs (Icaros) begun.  In the case of this center, there were two Shamans taking turns to sing through the night till the end of the ceremony which is usually like 11PM.

It was not exactly one of those nights where things went like I wished.  After a brief few minutes of being in the trance state, the same torture began again and I was back at the same situation struggling for my life like a little fish out of water, gasping for one good breath of air; though physically I was not gasping, the experience I was going through was just that.  Interestingly, though I had one whole day to prepare myself for this very situation, just then did I realize that I had been doing nothing that day but hope that the same situation never happened to me again.  What an idiot... I mean I actually used up all the time there was, to just keep hoping the worst doesn't happen.

Anyways.. there were two spontaneous things I did involuntarily (rather happened to me) during that last ceremony on the night of 27th December 2011 and it is still hard for me to believe that there was no external intelligence involved in making those two things happen.  Here is the first one: When the torture was underway, out of the blue, I opened my mouth and uttered the phrase "Let it go!".  Even right after I said that, I couldn't believe I said it because letting it go was the last thing I wanted to do and there is no way I could have said it myself.  But right after I said it, I saw something strange happen.  The torture paused for a moment.  Again, analogically speaking, I could say that if the torture was like as if somebody was busy strangling me, and out of great difficulty I say this phrase "Let it go!", what happens now is the person gets confused, stops for a moment, looks at my face and asks, "What did you just say?".  So I see the power of that phrase and repeat it again and see the effect of it instantly reflecting in my body as a reduction in the torture.  And obviously, I end up saying it again and again as fast as I could as if I had found my savior holy-grail mantra.  But it was not quite saving me from the torture fully.  All it was doing was buying me time to breathe.  In a way I could say, if it was Death I was fighting with, I figured a way to get its attention.  And by doing that I felt a little (only a very little) powerful.  But I still had a long way to go.  One other thing was I didn't quite mean what I was saying (obviously, I didn't really want to let it go).  And given the situation I was in, I would have done anything that helped, even a little bit.  If I had to make a necklace out of noodle soup, I would have done it.

Then came the deadly question that put the gravity of the situation into perspective.   It was as if Death was asking me this: “I am Death and I am on to you, and all you are saying is ‘Let it go’, so are you ready to die now?" I would never forget that moment ever in my life.  My terror peaked at that point and I was absolutely sure I was going to die any moment then.  My eyes opened real wide and I took a good look at the ceiling of the hut.  The first thing that flashed in front of my eyes was my Son's face; he was sleeping peacefully with a quirky smile on his lips and I just wanted to hug him.  I wanted him sleeping on me, than anywhere else at that moment.  And secondly a thought occurred about my feeling of gratitude towards my wife, and how I won't get a chance to meet her and say it to her.  Both these thoughts were coming back again and again, just those two.  It was like I had only those two things unfinished before I could die.  I felt utterly helpless.  Tears started flowing from my eyes.
And sadly the torture continued as well. It was as if all that I felt about my son and wife were totally ignored, and the same question surfaced again… "Are you ready?".  It was brutal.  And I realized it was Death and I couldn't expect mercy from it.  It was clear that Death couldn't care any less about my unfinished business and would pull the trigger irrespective of whether they are taken care of or not.  There is no negotiating with Death.  So the only choice I had was to come to peace with my unfinished business myself; somehow.

And I did.

In the case of my son, it was the very thought I had the day before.  I realized that the fact that I didn't miss him shows that getting to hug him or hold him doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I have the bond in me that connects me to him and it is real, irrespective of anything else.   Including me being dead or alive.  That certainly helped and I was okay letting that desire go.  And with my wife I remembered that I did write down everything I wanted to convey to her that very morning and it was in my notepad.  Now I could see what would happen after I died.  It was more like watching all the events that would unfold after my death but in fast-forward mode, as I had to get to the part where she would look through my stuff.  My funeral is over and she gets my stuff, she clears out my backpack.. mosquito repellant, snake bite kit, shaving cream, kindle and then comes that yellow notepad.  She opens it and starts reading and I see that happening.  Now I was convinced whatever I wrote about my gratitude for her would reach her for sure.

And then I was ready.

Now, I really said my 'Let it go' and it was very different from the way I had been saying it before.   It was as if I used all my body (not just the mouth) to say that.  And as if I was looking right at Death when I was saying that.  There was not even a speck of fear attached to it.  It was not one of those "please get me out of this" kind of 'let it go's it was more like "fuck you, I don't have any unfinished business" kind of 'let it go'.

And then it started to happen.. the process of my death.  And Yes, I experienced it wholly.  My body started to disintegrate into something like a powder and that powder slowly started to disappear.  The best way to put that feeling into words is, it was the maximum point of feeling light and weightless.  And it happened very slowly step-by-step, starting from the legs and moving upwards. It actually felt very good and I wondered where the torture went and then realized there was no torture involved in that process and it was a very pleasant experience.  I saw a dry leaf falling to the ground, finding that perfect place to rest, on a soft bed of million other fallen leaves providing all the necessary cushioning to make the landing as smooth as possible.

The singing stopped and the sound of the jungle night resumed and I heard the lead shaman's rubber boots making it's way slowly to the center of the hut.  I knew he was going to light up the candle (ritual to signify the end of the ceremony) and I so wanted to see it.  I got up and stared into the darkness in that direction and got to see it just as it happened.  It was one of the most beautiful sights of my life, the sight of him lighting it.  The candle light first falling on him and me discovering his pose of lighting the candle; he was holding his lighter and bending down towards the candle which was on the floor.  And I opened my mouth and uttered the phrase "Happy Birthday!".  Yes, that was the second spontaneous involuntary thing that I did (or rather happened to me) on that night of 27th December 2011.  I had absolutely nothing to do with me saying that.  It was like my mouth was operated by something/somebody else and made me say that.

The next morning was very different.  Firstly, I was not feeling happy that I was alive (like how I did the day before).  I was just feeling very neutral.  Neutral because, I sure was alive and that was real but at the same time, I couldn't accept that the death experience I went through was not real.  And secondly, I felt like having a cold shower, again didn't happen before (equatorial nights and mornings are quite chilly).  It was the day I was leaving the center and I was going to the airport to start the series of flights back home.  I had the cold shower, packed up my things and started walking towards the boat. When I crossed the ceremony Maloca on the way, I felt like I was walking past my grave.  I put my bag in the boat, sat in the front looking ahead and the boat started.  It was a 45 mins ride to a local village from where I would be taking a powerboat to Iquitos.  I didn't feel like turning back coz the river in the front grabbed all my attention.  I was looking straight ahead and with the jungle going past me on both sides, I felt something very strange in me.  I had a slight smile in my lips but was not really feeling happy.  It was peace.  And I knew that is exactly how peace is supposed to feel like and it was the most peaceful I ever felt in my life.  There was no happiness, no hope, no guilt, no sadness, no feeling of success or failure nothing at all.. or well, maybe a little bit of all of those things in just the right proportions that they balanced out each other.

In summary, when I look at my trip to Peru as a whole, I'm not sure if I got to confront my ego as I initially wanted to, but I'm sure I stumbled onto something much bigger given that my experiences of fear, love, gratitude, and peace were the most extremes I ever got to experience in my life.  Also I am sure I buried a piece of myself out there in the jungle.  Was it my fear of death? Or was it the fighter in me? Am I now the fighter that can deal with Death? Or am I a coward that gives up and 'lets it go'? I am not sure.  This experience has certainly been the most significant in my life so far; but whether it is for the good or for the bad, I will have to wait and see.

குழப்பம்

இன்றும் என்றும் எப்பொழுதும் எனக்குள் எழும் ஓர் பெருங்குழப்பம்
வந்தோம் இங்கே வாழ்வதற்கு வாழ்கை மட்டும் புரியவில்லை.

இன்பம் ஒன்றே நோக்கென்றால் வழிகள் பல தான் இங்கில்லையோ?
துன்பம் துயரம் துக்கமென்று தினமும் அழுவது எதற்கிங்கே?

சுற்றம், உறவு, நட்பெல்லாம் வாழ்வின் முக்கிய உருப்பென்றால்
சர்ச்சை சண்டை மோதலேன்று உற்றாருடனே போர் எதற்கு?

காதல் அன்பு இரக்கந்தான் வாழ்வை வாழும் முறையேன்றால்
கண்ணை மூடி திறப்பதற்குள் அவையே எப்படி பகையாகும்?

கடவுள் சொல்லும் கருத்தெல்லாம் சத்தியச் சங்கமம் 'தான்' என்றால்
நித்தம் நித்தம் அவன் பெயரில் கொலையும் கறையும் இங்கெதற்கு?

மனிதன் என்பது விலங்கென்றால் - பெருக்கியல் மட்டுமதன் வரைஎன்றால்
வாழ்வின் விவரம் அதற்கெதற்கு? வாழ்வதன் அர்த்தம் அதற்கெதற்கு?

இன்றும் என்றும் எப்பொழுதும் எனக்குள் எழும் ஓர் பெருங்குழப்பம்
வந்தோம் இங்கே வாழ்வதற்கு வாழ்கை மட்டும் புரியவில்லை.